all i can think about is last night... and it's all i wish i could forget.




i hate boys. i hate myself. i hate my job. i hate this.

hate=everything i know.





im losing my mind.

i quit.

i quit.

i quit, i quit, i quit.






Last night I quit smoking. UGH.

I sat there and got to thinking

of birds and their freedom

for after all, like a caged bird

who sings the songs of sadness

and locked forever in a prison, I AM.

I may not be able to fly

nor sing pretty songs to fool you

but I AM telling you my stories of sadness

The look in my eyes should be enough

for you to go off on or maybe the teardrop

still lingering on my cheek

can give you some sort of gratification

perhaps this sickened smile is my song

fooling the crowds like a jester of depression

a fake smile, a giggle, perhaps even a chuckle

to let you believe in me one last time

like when I pretend I'm happy because

the caged bird is singing.

OKAY. so youre going to comment,but you dont have the balls to announce yourself. yeah youre a fucking winner. oh and ps, if you dont like what I write, then dont fucking read it.



ANYWAY

So we're about to get this party started and I'm excited! haha peace out loves.

YEAH. Fuck you lance. yes I said it. and CArl? go ahead and fucking relay this to him just like you did the last time.



YES I called you a piece of shit.
YES I am very fucking pissed off at you.
NO I am not sorry.

Oh, and PS? I CANT WAIT for you to fucking move home for the summer. peace the fuck out.






ghad I love fighting with roomates.

I finally got to see James last night.... but of course I was drunk as shit and i don't remember why i came home and went back to joels... i think i wanted a ciggarette or something stupid. haha. nice. I remember getting back to joels just fine, but after that it's pretty blurry and I dont know how i slept where I did... let alone the fact i dont remember going to bed at all. whatever. it was nice to just chillax and drink.

and oh boy, did I.





I feel like I should puke or something... and by something I mean get mcdonalds.

So here I am... a quarter past noon and I've already recieved 3 drunken phone calls since nine thirty this morning when I arrived at work. Hopefully I won't be here all day and I'll be soon getting my drink on in the company of the rest of the free world. The biggest lush in the world is choosing to be at work on a beautiful friday morning. Windy, a bit cold, but very sunny and VERY beautiful. I suppose you could say my moods have picked up since I last wrote in this piece of shiot. wait. maybe not so much. haha. but I love my job, my friends, and myself. life is starting to look up.





p.s. on the downside, brandon carter is getting married. what a fuckin' crock. I suppose I'll just never be good enough for most.

Seems to be that's all I am these days.


a disappointment.



a burden on society.



basically a worthless bitch.


and nonetheless, a poor college student who can't afford to feed her cats, let alone her self.






I'm not surprised to come home once again to a pissed off roomate who is bitching at me for borrowing a can of catfood. after a long hard day of begging for bottles from family members and borrowing cash from grandparents who can't afford to give it to me just so I can pay my bills and live in this shitty unhappy house, I feel a need to just stop. stop trying. stop everything. fuck you lance. fuck you for being so GODDAMNED INSENSITIVE.


My rent is still going to be a week late. Thank you life for shitting on me.







the end.

It hurts.
everything is hurt.




I don't understand why it has to be like this. Someone hire a hitman to freaking kill me. I just need... nope. That's it. I just need. You would never be able to understand what it is that is going on with me so I won't even bother. Just know that I'm going through a terribly rough time right now and that I could really use some support. I know that's appearently a lot to ask for these days but whatever.


"no, you can't find nothing at all
if there was nothing there all along."
-deathcabforcutie

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

and today was just
a day to be reminiscent
of days gone past
and tomorrows rapid pace

things here are not
what i had wished for
the days of yesteryear
haunt my every move

you dont understand
or maybe you cant
one day you'll realize
im the best you never had.





okay so yeah ive been drinking and yes its got me thinking that things today arent the way id wished for. but you know, hopefully things will be better once ive gotten the pollution of SEEUS out of my day. its too much stress and things i really dont need. whatever. peace out

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart
Through A Pinhole
Just Like Faucet That Leaks
And There Is Comfort In The Sound
But While You Debate
Half Empty Or Half Full
It Slowly Rises
Your Love Is Gonna Drown


-deathcabforcutie ♥





This past week was actually very... nice. It was nice. I did a lot of thinking and I've come to realize just what it is that is holding me all together and I now know exactly how to help myself. I just can't wait to start over. Maybe now I can actually focus on school a bit more.

Dear all my fun-fucking-tastic SEEUS pals,

Due to my previous and current violations of the SEEUS Handbook, I will be resigning as one of your amazing supervisors. Don't worry. I know you'll get over it. After all, I'm just another notch in the long pole of SEEUS retards who like to fuck with their job. But I shall leave you with this...


( you'll be accepting my apology )


THE END.

never give up if you still want to try
never wipe away tears if you still want to cry
never settle with an answer if you still want to know
never say you don't love him if you just can't let him go...







yeah.

"but it was vile
and it was cheap
and you are beautiful
but you don't mean a thing to me"

-death cab






maybe losing my job?

i'm seriously in debt.

the living situation?

i'm not who i used to be.






i don't understand why you hate me so much. we don't even talk. hope you have fun/do well in cincinnati though.

Here in this homely house
where the streets more frozen
than the ones Ive grown used to

I reminice of a better christmas
that we have yet to finish cleaning
from words of not-so-sober relatives.






I got a new digital camera for christmas this year. I was pretty pumped.